The Day I Realized.....

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by Randeep Kaur, Surrey B.C

As I walked up the steps, thinking...memories rushed through my mind like a wind storm...the first time she taught me how to tie my keski, all the times we would go together to sangat, all the times we would stay up at night talking for hours, all the times I poured my heart out to her, all the times I went to her
with questions-went to her cause I knew that she would know, she always knew...all the times we had laughed, all the times we had cried, all the times she had held me close to her and told me everything would be okay... all the times she yelled at me for reading bani wrong... all the times she woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me to bring her something... she was always there...

Now she's not. It's just me. Alone. What do I do? I am like a zombie; taking steps doing this and that.... no idea really is to what is happening. I feel sick. I just came out of the shower and now its nitnem time. So I go up the steps and then I get there and there's Guru Ji. I mathaa taek and get up and get my gutkaa... time to open it up.... but i dont want to. I just sit there... why should I remember you, huh why should I sing your praises and tell you how great you are? Why did you do this to me? Why do you always do this to me? Every time I try and get close to someone you take them away from me! Its not fair. You don't do this to anyone else- just me. Why? I think you're greedy! You just want me to stay with you always! But you don't even show me your face... not even a glimps. And if thats really what you want then why did you put me in such a situation?

You know what- this is like so over. I am not doing this.

I get up and run out of the room... running away... not looking back... half way down the stairs it hits me- I stop. Where the hell am I going to go? Its like deep inside I know very well that you are the only one for me, I know that its all fake... just your little game... and I know that i cant live for even two seconds without you...

I realize... I dont need anyone else... just you. I can talk to you, laugh with you. And you will never get tired of me. You will always be there. Yeah sure, you are like sooo weird and you do crazy things and you don't make any sense and I dont even know where to start... but I still know that you love me... maybe thats why you did what you did... to show me that I don't need anyone else.. just you...

I run back up the stairs and I fall to my knees... couldn't stop the tears...

I am such a ...

Will you ever forgive me......